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<title>maybe i was boring by reysroses</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26858752">maybe i was boring</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/reysroses/pseuds/reysroses'>reysroses</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canonical Character Death, Emotional Manipulation, F/M, One-Sided Attraction, POV First Person, spoilers for the first murder and trial</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 17:40:58</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>569</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26858752</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/reysroses/pseuds/reysroses</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"this is the part where i shut up, and let you infest my brain."</p><p> </p><p>shuichi's thoughts after the first murder and trial.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Akamatsu Kaede &amp; Saihara Shuichi, Akamatsu Kaede/Amami Rantaro, Akamatsu Kaede/Saihara Shuichi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>maybe i was boring</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>based off "it's all futile! it's all pointless!" by wilbur soot</p><p>i was listening to this song in a discord vc and realized it kinda made me think about shuichi's feelings towards kaede and rantaro after the first trial. i wanted to explore something a bit different from canon, in which kaede is a bit more manipulative towards shuichi, and had alternative motives. </p><p>no beta we die like fools.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>empty. that’s all i am. not lonely, just...empty. i think this school has drained it out of me. any passion and hope i had before now seem to be erased from my consciousness. i remember a bit of who i was before, but no there’s no reason to. it won’t matter anyway.</p><p>i remember you were so determined to save us all. you knew who you were. i remember your belief in me. i remember. i remembered. i would have followed you to the end of the earth. but you forgot about me. i don’t know if you ever remembered me in the first place. </p><p>i miss you. i don’t miss you. i miss what you were. what we were.</p><p>maybe i should just shut up. you’ve infested my brain anyway. fuck the world. you’ve made yourself at home in my skull. like a parasite. a parasite who used to keep me warm and safe. made me feel warm and safe. safe and warm while you leeched off of my vulnerability. i’m like a fucking disease. you feel like a weight on my shoulders, i feel like atlas lifting the world with shaky arms.</p><p>when was it when you realized i was useless? did it hurt? was it worth it? was it the moment you met him? i don’t blame you for being drawn in. but why did it feel like stepping into the eye of a hurricane? you were intrigued by this boy, a boy who was a raging bonfire, compared to my flickering candle flame. maybe i was an icarus, flying towards a burning sun.</p><p>do you remember the weight in your hands? the cool metal against your skin? </p><p>i think about what might’ve happened if he was the one beside you. maybe this wouldn’t feel like a knife in a wound. the aftershocks, digging a bullet out of your skin with jagged fingernails. he picked a lock to a vault that should’ve been hidden away. why didn’t you hide it? maybe you were never going to. why didn’t you lock me away?</p><p>i can’t force myself to miss you anymore.</p><p>i stood by. i stayed silent as you composed this song, a song i was never meant to hear. i watched your slender fingers dance across keys, keys that opened locked doors, doors to places not fit for peeking eyes. maybe you drove it deep into my heart to ensure that i would never forget. </p><p>i fucking won’t.</p><p>it’s okay. it’s okay.</p><p>even if i repeat that lie to myself, i don’t think i can ever believe it. i want to meet the person i was before we met. before this...this fucking hell we found ourselves in. but when i try to sleep, the images dance to the song that you played. the blood. the unmoving body of a boy we barely knew. i wonder if you knew. i wonder what would’ve happened if i tried to save you that day. would you have watched as i suffered for your selfishness?</p><p>maybe it’s better now that you’re gone. i can lie to myself. and when i reach my hand towards this bedroom ceiling, i can still picture your smiling face as you were dragged away. and maybe i can tell myself that i’m doing this for you. </p><p>i still wonder what it feels like to have my head bashed in with a shot-put ball.</p>
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